Anniversary

Today a year ago I got my diagnosis of Hyperplasia with atypia.

I remember sitting in the exam room with two ob/gyns and my husband and all 3 of them were planning my surgery for 3 days later.. and I was going noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I felt like I was being hit from 3 sides. This is too quick.. you're not even sure I have cancer.... I have a house torn apart by a painter....I have a ds and dd getting ready for college.....

I did eventually have surgery, but on my schedule and with a gyn/oncologist.

Just a little sad today remembering the horrid summer it was last year and hoping hoping hoping that the cycle will begin to turn. I will have my first post-op pap smear in August or September.. we'll know more then.

Things I don't usually talk about that made the last year so hard.. A friends sister died on my birthday in 2006, from a gyn cancer. And I was 49 at the time of my diagnosis.. the same age as my father when he died.

When do I get to grieve?

Well, I've finally come to the acceptance part of the five stages of grieving...I never thought I would get here.

I was stuck in Denial for quite a while, then Anger came along at having to have all of my female organs removed, I think Bargaining came in with wanting treatment with Megace and weight loss. Depression I am still moving through and have begun to accept that I will have to have surgery after all.

What I want to know is when do I get to be sad for myself? when will someone just hold me and let me cry? When will someone acknowledge that yes, it will be sad to no longer have uterine orgasms? I want someone to be sad for me.. and to QUIT TELLING ME IT WILL BE OK!!! Dammit.. it's not OK and never will be again!!!

I know I have to get this precancerous stuff out of me. Fine, I can do that. But please let me grieve.. hold me and let me cry without trying to make me feel better. Cry with me, it's ok.. I won't break just because I'm crying... but I need to cry and no one wants to let me.