DaVinci Report, Part 1

I went into the hospital feeling healthy. Did not want this surgery. I know it's necessary, but I do not want it. Have not had time to get counseling that I sorely need. Offered to let my husband have it for me. Couldn't even get on the elevators at first.. had to let one group go ahead of us.

I was mad sitting in the waiting area. The hospital wanted $$ from us before the surgery. They called me into the financial office, only one chair. Hubby had check book.. I told them you don't need me. Went back to the waiting area and sat and crocheted. It was 10am, TV had a food show on and I had been NPO since midnight. MEAN!!!

I sat there and glared and crocheted.

Almost as soon as hubby came out of the financial office they paged me back to preop. Got undressed.. was given a bag to put my clothes in and a hospital gown and the stupid slipper socks to put on.

They started doing vitals, took my rings, watch, glasses, necklace gave them to hubby. I called the chaplain whose name had been given to me on the preop visit. She said she thought I was supposed to come in at noon.. I said no.. my surgery is at noon. She said I'll be right there!

She did manage to get there and we had a brief visit and prayer. I cried. The nurse came back and hubby said I was having anxiety. I said... not anxiety.. I'm grieving the loss of the woman I am now. The nurse went to get some medication.. she charted that she gave me Zofran and Versed. I think she only gave me Zofran, because I never got calm.

They moved me to the holding area and the anesthesiologist came to visit me. He asked if I would open my mouth, say ah and tilt my head back. I did, he said good. I asked about the epidural. He was surprised.. said they usually didn't do epidurals for DaVinci's. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I chose the wrong hospital... there's beginning to be so many little errors.

He said he would talk to my doctor. Ok, fine. I'm still crying. They ask if I got any versed. My husband tells whoever is asking that 2cc's of something was put into my IV, but we didn't see the vial.

My doctor comes over and sees me and asks if I have any more questions. I ask if she uses vaginal packing after surgery. She says no. I'm glad, one less thing to worry about. I give her my list of positive statements that I want said to me during surgery from Peggy Huddleston's "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster" book.

Several people ask me to say my name and spell it. They want my birthdate. I started to ask if they wanted my drivers liscense or SS# too. They also wanted me to tell them what surgery was planned.

When I could tell them "DaVinci Assisted Total Laprascopic Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo Oopherectomy and possible surgical staging".. they were all amazed. It amused them so much that I had to perform this feat for at least 3 other people. "you must be medical people" Yes and No. I believe in being well informed and taking as much responsibility as possible for my own health.

I have to say goodbye to my husband and they take me to surgery. Still awake, still crying. I boohoo all the way into the surgical suite.

The doctor and her assistant are looking at me with real concern in their faces.

They ask me if I got any Versed. I again tell them something was put in my IV, but don't know what. They're calling preop to check with the nurse, because versed and zofran were charted, but I'm still really sad. Just sobbing.

The anesthesiologist starts putting in the epidural, has to try 3 times. I feel something drip down my back during one of the tries and ask what I'm feeling.. no one will tell me. He apologizes for taking 3 tries.. I tell him the first time I ever had an epi it took 5 tries and that was 20 years and many pounds ago.. so 3 is not at all bad in my book. He said that made him feel a little better.

They then have me move onto the operating table. I'm thinking I wish I was asleep before all this happened. I'm so scared and I don't want this necessary surgery. Still crying.

I guess they finally decide to give me something for agitation, because I'm much too alert for their liking. asking too many questions that they don't want to answer. It burns for a minute and then it stops. Shortly after that, he says something like, say goodnight. and gives me something in my IV and the next thing I know I'm vaguely hearing someone say "no, let's leave it in for pain control".

I'm in the PACU. Post Anesthesia Care Unit. What we used to call the Recovery Room.

A little later, I'm in severe pain.. but not in my abdomen. My arm is killing me.. it feels like it did when I broke my humerus about 8 years ago.

I'm yelling.. "Help Me. I'm being ignored !!" One of the nurses came over and sharply told me you're not being ignored, there are other patients here.

I told her I was hurting very badly in my arm & shoulder. I heard her say to someone else.. gas pains. (In lap surgeries they pump your abd full of CO2.. and the gas can make you hurt in weird places.. shoulders are one of them). I told her no.. it wasn't gas, it was an old fracture .. and it hurt again. I had forgotten to warn anyone preoperatively that I have reduced range of motion in my right arm because I have adapted to it in my everyday life. I never think about the right arm being more fragile than the left.

They finally let my husband come in and he confirmed that I had had an avulsion fracture of my right humerus a while back. He rubbed it and made it feel a lot better. We talked a little bit. He told me something about the pathology report, but I'm still too groggy to take it all in. I got my wedding rings back. He had to leave because they only let family stay a little while in recovery.

I had a lot of discomfort from my shoulder, but no pain meds ordered for it. I just had to tough it out. We had asked for a private room, none were available. We waited and waited and waited. It seemed like there wasn't going to be a room available until morning and I would spend the night in the PACU. I asked to see my husband again.

They let him come in and we talked about whether to wait on a Private and let him go on back to the hotel or take a semi private and risk the fact that he wouldn't be able to stay with me the whole time.

We decided to wait on the private, and I sent him on back to the hotel so he could get some sleep since I would be in the PACU until morning (he had had a really bad day the day before surgery, so he was dragging).

Of course, about an hour after he left, a room became available. I got into my room about 1am.

~~I'll post more later. This makes me sad just to type it. ~~

Willowy Peach Afghan

I'm working on an afghan made up mainly out of my own head...but the square pattern is from Jan Eaton's 200 squares book. It's the "Willow" Square. (that reminds me.. I haven't seen the Movie Willow in awhile.. might be time to dig it out again. Dang.. I just had a huge brain freeze on the actor in that movie.. the same one who played Jim Morrison in the Doors... sheesh)

Back to the afghan.

Colors are all by Caron Simply Soft.. Country Peach, Copper Kettle, Chocolate, OffWhite and (perhaps) Berry Blue.

Here's some pics of what I have so far.... still haven't figured out the perfect layout. And I go back and forth between liking the Peach & Copper or the Peach & Chocolate squares the best.

(please excuse the messy bed.. and the ends not woven in yet.. since I might be taking some of these back apart.. I didn't want to do that yet.)





The square in different color combos (one of them has a country blue instead of berry blue)




some other squares in the same colors...




Almost all the squares so far

Any opinions on what I should do? I'm waning to emphasize the peach color. DD says she likes the Peach & copper best.. and that I could mainly do it and scatter randomly (very randomly) the others.. then do the peach and chocolate as a border around the outside.

I dunno...I don't have enough made yet to lay that out and see.

I'm making this for myself.. as a cuddly for in the hospital (if I finish it in time) and afterwards. Peach is the color for endometrial cancer. They're still not sure if I have cancer or not.. but I'm trying to get myself mentally psyched.. just in case.

When do I get to grieve?

Well, I've finally come to the acceptance part of the five stages of grieving...I never thought I would get here.

I was stuck in Denial for quite a while, then Anger came along at having to have all of my female organs removed, I think Bargaining came in with wanting treatment with Megace and weight loss. Depression I am still moving through and have begun to accept that I will have to have surgery after all.

What I want to know is when do I get to be sad for myself? when will someone just hold me and let me cry? When will someone acknowledge that yes, it will be sad to no longer have uterine orgasms? I want someone to be sad for me.. and to QUIT TELLING ME IT WILL BE OK!!! Dammit.. it's not OK and never will be again!!!

I know I have to get this precancerous stuff out of me. Fine, I can do that. But please let me grieve.. hold me and let me cry without trying to make me feel better. Cry with me, it's ok.. I won't break just because I'm crying... but I need to cry and no one wants to let me.

Decision made

Can't I just crochet my way out of this? Give me my hooks and some giant balls of yarn (pounders.. lots of them) and let me crochet myself a cocoon .. let me sleep away all this drama, emotionalism and HARD decisions.

The biopsy came back. It wasn't positive for cancer, but the news isn't perfect either like it has been in the past.

I have "complex endometrial hyperplasia with moderate atypia and squamous metaplasia". Basically what that means is that I have a 30% chance of the atypia turning into cancer. My uterus needs to come out. And everything I've found says that Atypia is a precursor to endometrial cancer.

I have no problem with them taking my uterus out. It's the fact that they also want to take my cervix and ovaries. I have had very little symptoms of menopause... and I'm very worried about being thrown into menopause with no help.

Also my cervix has never been a problem, every pap I've ever had has been negative. New studies suggest that the cervix is important for maintaining support of the pelvic floor (delaying or preventing prolapse) and may also play a role in sexual satisfaction.

I'm emotional and obsessive thoughts have taken over my brain. I can feel them, but I can't control them.

And I'm terrified. My doctor offered to send me to an Oncologist for a second opinion. An oncologist. Everytime I think about that I want to cry. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket and hide.

I go back to my docs on July 2 to ask my ton of questions. Surgery is scheduled for July 23.

To surgery or not to surgery

This is a very much non-crochet post.

I am going to post about my recent health difficulties regarding my menstrual cycle, so if this type of information bothers you, or it's not what you want to read right now, you may want to move along to another blog. Please come back later, I don't plan to focus on this exclusively. And while being sick this past week, have made lots of dishcloths and will have pictures up shortly.

Now, back to the health issues.

I've been dealing with irregular menstrual periods for several years now. It started maybe 5 or 10 years ago? I really don't remember how long ago, it's been a while. At first I'd just miss a period ...and I'd get all excited thinking that God had blessed me with another baby (even though my husband has had a vasectomy. Sometimes those don't work...I personally know a couple who have had a post vasectomy baby).

After wasting money on pregnancy tests a few times, I finally went to the GYN and she told me it was probably due to my being overweight, that fat tissue stores estrogen and since I have an abundance of fat tissue, I have more than enough estrogen for me. Joy.

At that time, I don't remember that we started any treatment, my periods were just irregular, and not unusual for me (my normal cycles are fairly heavy, lasting about a week).

A few years later, I am continuing the missing periods pattern, up to missing 3 or 4 months in a row and then when I do have one, it's a monster. Not painful, just heavy flow and clots. Unfortunately, the doc I had been going too moved away, so I had to find a new one.

I did find one, and she was ok at first. Put me on provera 10mg/day/ for 1st 10 days of the month. This was to fool my body into making me have a regular monthly period. This worked, but like the idiot I sometimes am, I didn't continue to take the medicine. I'm just not a good patient sometimes.

Things rock on, I get to the point where I'm 6 months between periods, but now I'm spotting almost all the time and when I do bleed.. whoa Nelly. My doc decides I need an endometrial biopsy. I agree.. not knowing what I'm in for.

OMG talk about pain!! I was completely unprepared for how much that hurt. And of course it came back negative (which I could've told her in the first place.. but she was being a good doc. and doing what she's supposed to do.. making sure I don't have cancer).

I keep going to this doc for a couple or 3 more years, still having spotting between periods. She knows this (or is supposed to) and yet she prescribes antibiotics once for a bladder infection that I don't have. Turns out they think I have a UTI because of blood in my urine. I'm spotting DUH!! of course blood is going to show up in my urine!! That ticks me off a little, but I let it go.

Second thing that makes me unhappy with this doc is that a year later she wants to do another endometrial biopsy. I ask for pain meds before hand.. they don't have anything to offer. I have some vicodin in my purse from a dental procedure. I ask if I can take that. The nurse checks with the doc and comes back and says unless I have someone to drive me home, that no. I can't take it. I don't have anyone to drive me. Phooey. The nurse gives me my med back and I take it anyway. I KNOW how the vicodin affects me and it's not too strong for me to drive while taking it.

The difference is amazing. This time the biopsy doesn't hurt. I drive home just fine. And again the biopsy is negative.

What really tore it for me with this doctor is something she didn't do. Along with endometrial biopsies, she's been having me get pelvic & transvaginal ultrasounds. I get them done in the town I live in because the cost isn't too bad. My doc is in another town an hours drive away. Well, she asks me to get them done in her town.. her reasoning being is that she knows the technique they use and is more comfortable with their radiologists interpretations. I think, ok, that's reasonable and agree to get the U/S done there.

Until I go to schedule and find out what their fees are. OMG, no way. You see, our insurance on me has a very high deductible so I end up paying most things out of my own pocket. Fortunately, except for this ongoing menstrual problem, I'm generally very healthy.

I'm not going to pay this other clinic this huge fee for the U/S when I can get it done much cheaper in my town. So, I get it done where I want to do it and go back for the follow up appointment. Doc says NOTHING to me about my not following her directives. This makes me think she's lying and I decide not to go back to her.

Fast forward 2 years. I'm still having monster periods and the spotting in between is nearly continuous. I decide it's time to start getting things done and besides our community has a new female GYN. I won't have to drive an hour to see the doc. This is good. (we've had a male GYN for a while, but I don't like going to male GYN's.. I generally find them to be MCP's and unempathetic. I said generally. I know there must be good ones out there, I just haven't run across them.)

So, went to see her June 5. Had regular checkup.. including pap. She also scheduled me for mammo and U/S. Mammo because it was time for another and U/S to check the bleeding problem. I know I have fibroids and maybe they had gotten really enlarged to cause the continuous problem. The doc and I discuss me trying the provera again.

Mammo & U/S were scheduled for June 20. In the meantime the docs office calls around the 10th or so and says they need to repeat the pap.. they couldn't get enough cells because of the bleeding. I'm no longer spotting now.. I'm having a real period.. inspite of taking the provera. I tell the docs office this and they schedule me to come in on the 21st.. thinking that my test results will be in and I'll probably be through bleeding. I could tell them that I won't be finished.. I hardly ever finish.. just slow down, but it will still be a good time to talk to the doc about the test results.

Come June 12th.. I start bleeding super heavily. I'm soaking a super plus tampon every few hours, and wearing a pad. I get up one morning and the tampon I put in the night before falls out of me into the toilet along with huge clots. Grosssssssssss. I've never had that happen before. Thank goodness for those toilet wand things where you change the scrubber out between uses. That worked to grab the tampon out so it didn't go into the septic system. Sheesh.. hubby would've been furious about that.

I'm thinking that this will only be a day or so of super heavy bleeding.. I've done that before. And besides, I have to take my son to orientation at his college in a couple of days.

Orientation doesn't go the smoothest, but I get through it. I posted about it a few days ago. I think I got overtired at orientation because since I got back home, my cycle continued on, very heavy.. having to change every 2 hours (which really disrupts your sleep pattern, let me tell you) and now I'm also HURTING. My abdomen is cramping, and my back and my hips ache. What is this? I haven't had dysmenorrhea in ages. I mean, it's bad enough that ibuprofen isn't touching it, vicodin isn't helping. Skelaxin WITH motrin helps some.. what works best is vodka martinis. But I don't like to drink during the day.. and don't really think alcohol is the remedy.. but it gets me through till I can see the doc.

With all this bleeding and now pain, if someone would have offered me a hysterectomy at that point.. I'd have said.. when and where. I'll be there.

Finally by June 20, my bleeding is beginning to slow a little. I can occassionally go 3 hours between changing. I get mammo done.. there's a spot, but it clears on compression. Technologist wants me to come back in 6 months, but the radiologist says 1 year. Maybe I'll split the difference and do 9 months?

U/S also goes well. I do still have fibroids but they're very small. Unlikely to be the cause of the excessive bleeding. My endometrial lining is very thick though. Ovaries are small (normal for my age).

so, yesterday I go to the Doc, still bleeding. I tell the nurse and tell her I'd like to talk to the Doctor even if we can't redo the pap. The Doc comes in and says that the tests were good, nothing bad showed up and that in the light of my heavy bleeding she'd like to do an endometrial biopsy.

Lovely.

I ask if she can give me pain medication before hand. She says all they have is 800 mg of Motrin (Ibuprofen). I reluctantly agree (wishing I had brought my vicodin from home). Even with the motrin onboard, I'm scared. Upset, crying, nauseous and almost fainting at one point.

I get through it.. it's not too bad. Uncomfy, and the speculum kept coming out of me (never had that happen before) and then one time there was a quick sharp pain, as if someone had pinched me on my inner thigh.. but that was it. Not bad at all, thank goodness. One thing that helped is that I was already dilated a little from bleeding. Before, with the second Doc, she always had to dilate my cervix a little to get inside to take the biopsy. I think she also took a biopsy from the vaginal wall. I do know I'm not allowed to wear tampons for a week. ewwww.. I hate using pads.

Good and bad points about the biopsy:

Good in that IT IS OVER WITH until next time.

Bad in that I have to wait another week to get the results.

Good in that she's willing to do a hysterectomy on me

Bad in that my anatomy is such that a vaginal approach won't work.. she'll have to go through the abdominal wall.

They don't do endometrial ablation in that office (a burning away of the endometrium.. sometimes cures heavy bleeding.. sometimes doesn't), so my choices to cure the bleeding are either birth control pills or a hysterectomy.

I'm still thinking, and will have to see what the biopsy shows.. but.. if there's no cancer.. I'm considering giving the BC a try... at least until the first of the year.

Then if BC isn't working, in Jan or Feb have the surgery.. so my deductible would be met for the year.. and I'd have a whole year to get other work I need done accomplished.

I think I'm going to ask my hubby if he can come with me to the Doc next week.