Houston Revisited

I am currently in Houston, staying at a Hampton Inn. Tomorrow I see a Gyn/Oncologist who is supposed to be qualified to do the DaVinci Robotic Surgery.

Since I have to have a hysterectomy, this is the way I want to go. I hope she approves me.

Houston has changed ALOT since I was last here. The hotel we're in was once an empty field. Amazing.

When do I get to grieve?

Well, I've finally come to the acceptance part of the five stages of grieving...I never thought I would get here.

I was stuck in Denial for quite a while, then Anger came along at having to have all of my female organs removed, I think Bargaining came in with wanting treatment with Megace and weight loss. Depression I am still moving through and have begun to accept that I will have to have surgery after all.

What I want to know is when do I get to be sad for myself? when will someone just hold me and let me cry? When will someone acknowledge that yes, it will be sad to no longer have uterine orgasms? I want someone to be sad for me.. and to QUIT TELLING ME IT WILL BE OK!!! Dammit.. it's not OK and never will be again!!!

I know I have to get this precancerous stuff out of me. Fine, I can do that. But please let me grieve.. hold me and let me cry without trying to make me feel better. Cry with me, it's ok.. I won't break just because I'm crying... but I need to cry and no one wants to let me.

Weekend Journal

Saturday I got up at 1:30 am.. started my walking routine. Still very depressed over needing this surgery.. so cried some more and went to a hysterectomy support site (they're neutral.. supportive of whatever a woman and her doctor decide is the best treatment) to bitch & moan some.

Got my CottonSwap at C'ville's box put together. I finally realized with a surgery date of July 23, I'd better get it in gear. So it's all ready to mail on Monday. I forgot to put a note in the box, but I guess I can write and mail a card seperately. Good thing I buy things on sale on impulse... I was able to put a really nice box together for her. It's already taped up or I'd make pics. (maybe I'll untape the bottom and make pics anyway.. we'll see.)

Got another walk in at 6am. Almost not raining. (we've had ALOT of rain here lately.. I keep expecting to see a man and his family out gathering gopher wood.. if I do.. I'm going to beg a ride.) Got back, cleaned out the front passenger side of the van for hubby and dug around in my yarn storeage and found a skein of yarn for a HIJ/RAOK gift.

Grabbed son's suitcase out of the back of my van to take in the house to pack for me. my suitcase has developed a sticky zipper, so I'm borrowing his.

Packed suitcase for overnight trip to Shreveport. Ate late breakfast.. Hubby came home and he started his packing for a week away from home.

10am..went on 3rd walk of the day. Hubby came with and I was able to complete the walk just a little faster than usual.. even with slowing down to catch breath a few times.

We finally left for Shreveport around 2pm. Stopped by the ProjectLinus coordinators home and dropped off two blankets and an unfinished quilt (son had started project at christmas and then with all the activities of senior year never got back to it. I was going to finish it.. but with impending surgery, I've decided there's no way.. Hopefully they can do something with it.).

Got to Shreveport, checked in. Went to Lounge and had free beers (well.. one & 1/2.. we each had 1 free and bought 1 more to share). Plus a few fried chicken wings to absorb the alcohol.

Then we went to Ralph & Kacoo's for dinner. Yum Yum. We both had she-crab soup and hubby had planked salmon and I had grilled shrimp and we both had steamed veggies. Hubby kept on drinking (martinis).. but I settled back to Iced Tea.. someone has to be a responsible driver.

I couldn't hardly eat any of mine, so we got a to go box. Went back to hotel and I fell asleep about 7:30. Woke up at midnight showered and went back to sleep until 3. Got up and got hubby to airport at 4am for check in. His flight left at 6..

Waited until he went through security at 5:30.. they even made him take off his belt.. lol I went back to hotel.. had breakfast (grits, eggs, sausage, biscuit, waffles.. omg.. I made up for not eating the night before).. then back to room for a short rest.

8am I got back on the road and was home 90 minutes later.

Hubby called me when he got to ATL and GVille and when he checked into hotel. (I'm not usually so insecure.. but with all I'm going through lately.. I'm very clingy right now)

When I got home, I took some very old Lorazepam I had.. and passed out in the recliner. I accidentally spent the night there .. never got moved into bed. I did wake up long enough in the evening to fix the leftover shrimp for my supper.. and bang I was out again.

I'm about to go start my Monday walk.. missed walking much Sunday.. weather was thundering when I was considering it around noon. I did park the car and do some walking around the hotel (this is an oldfashioned hotel.. everything is spread out and NO elevators).. so I hope that counted a little...

Sorry for the book.. but just what I did with my weekend. I still have to drag in my suitcase and unpack & repack. Gonna take a change of clothes with me when I go to Dallas in case the Oncologist suggests some tests that could be done the next day or I'm too tired to make it home that night.

Then next saturday I have to go to Shreveport to pick hubby up. Then Wed. the 18th.. we go through the early flight thing again...but I told him I might beg off from that one.. depends on how much cleaning I get done this week while he's gone. I LOVE him immensely.. but it's easier to get stuff done when he's not here. I have more room to pile stuff on the bed and don't have to continuously clean it off so he can sleep.

Ok ok.. Gonna Post this and go take my 2nd walk for Monday.

P.S. This has become my daily prayer.. and my signature line where I can add it (one place I post doesn't allow religious references.. so I took the reference to God out. If they still kick about it, I'll leave that group.. there's being tolerant and then there's being ridiculous.).
--
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Reinhold Niebuhr

June 2007 Dishcloths

Most are from "A Dozen Double quick Dishcloths"










The Flower shaped one is from a book of squares & motifs.

Questions answered and more arise in their place

Went back to the doctor yesterday with my questions that had arisen over the weekend. 3 pages of them.

My doctor looked at them and started commenting about how smart I was to do this, I told her no.. it was my mild OCD kicking in and trying to regain a little control over the rollercoaster that has become my life recently. I was actually supposed to see both doctors, mine and her partner, (partner will be leading the surgery) but they thought partner had already left for the day. After I had finished talking to her, we found him and I got to talk to him also. Some of the answers were different, but not markedly so.

I got a lot accomplished. I got hormone levels done (4 sticks.. I'm a hard draw. Not complaining, just a fact) and I should get those results on Thursday. Hopefully this will show how far I am into menopause.

We discussed the possibility of keeping my cervix.. but that won't happen. sigh. Too much chance of cancer having invaded there.

I did get a script for Xanax. This has been very helpful. I took one after we got home and it relaxed me so much I was able to sleep for 2 hours straight. I will cut them in half from now on though... and be very judicious in taking them. I don't want to be zombied or too numb to work through the grieving process. But there are times that the crying just goes on and on and on..that would be the time to use the med. (this is when it was good that I had seen my doc first.. *male* partner said he wouldn't have given me anything.. ha.. he doesn't have to live with this overly emotional woman)

I also got a consult with a Gyn/Oncologist in Dallas at the Baylor University Sammons Cancer Center on July 11th at 1:30pm. Already discussions have begun about how to treat after surgery should it really be cancer. I'm afraid I will end up with an abdominal incision. More pain, longer recovery.

Now I need to find out what stores (a yarn store?? a LYS??) might be nearby. I plan to arrive early, Dallas traffic can be bad. Maybe stay the night. Unfortunately DH will be out of town and won't be able to go with me. sigh.

On the down side, I found out I will have to do a bowel prep *yuck* and I forgot to ask about donating my own blood, whether I will have a urinary catheter in place, TEDS hose, IV Pain med pump and if drawing blood for a cancer marker would be worthwhile.

Oh well, I can always go back on Thursday or Friday. They are going to get tired of seeing me.