Thoughts on a Thursday Morning

I hate it when blogger is so slow to load that I lose my train of thought. Yeah, I know I could use notepad and then cut n paste.. but I didn't want to do that... an extra step.

I was reading my "Eyes on the Prize" digest mail this morning, and one of the last entries was a memorial to a woman who had started the journey through the land of cancer in 2000, and ended in 2002. Two years. Maybe she was diagnosed alot further along than I was, but that still is a very short time.

If I only had a short time left.. what would I want to do? I want to see my kids graduate from college and be secure and on their own or in a stable, loving relationship. I'd love to see my grandchildren .. who would they look like? (if my kids are reading this.. PLEASE don't feel pressure to run out and get pregnant or impregnate someone... this is just my personal thoughts).

I'd love to travel. I want to see Ireland and Scotland. I've wanted to go there since I was little. I'd love to go to Salzburg, Austria and Dieppe, France.. where my ancestors who so believed in religious freedom.. left their ancestral homes to come pioneer in the new world. How hard that must have been! In the 1600's and 1700's.. there was no IM, no jets, no autos.. if they were literate at all.. it still would take months and months for letters to travel from Europe to the Americas (we weren't even the United States when my ancestors came).

What else would I like to accomplish? I'd love to get my yarn and supplies organized. When I was in a panic over having surgery, one of the things that I did to help me adjust was to write "farewell" letters to my husband and children. One of the things I wrote in my hubby's farewell letter was what to do with all my yarn!! LOL How silly that seems now, but I do have some yarn that could be sold to help with finances. Maybe I need to start working on that, with the huge hospital bills I have.

I am not happy with one of the after effects of surgery. I miss my sex drive. Now that we are cleared for everything.. I don't have the desire I used to have. My local gyn doctor isn't very sympathetic.. he just says I need to wait and see what happens. He doesn't want to give me hormones until cleared for them by my gyn/oncologist in Houston. And I understand that and agree.. since this cancer is estrogen driven, I do need to be away from any extra estrogen other than what is stored in my fat cells for awhile.

This is very early in recovery still, and maybe my libido will return. I want the closeness that intimacy brings, but I miss having the urge to do something about it!! And I know my husband does too. He's a quiet man, but when I asked him if he noticed a difference in me, he said yes and that he too missed it.

Maybe if I told the doctor my husband also misses my drive, then I'd get some empathy? Males tend to listen to males. Do I sound cynical? Probably, but I think it's actually realistic. If a man says his sex drive has gone on vacation, I think another male would consider it a serious situation.

I am thankful I haven't had to have internal rad.. cause after internal radiation, one of the things the docs tell you to do is to have lots of sex to avoid atrophy that the rads can cause. How do you have lots of sex when you have no desire?

I swear I will see the female gyn next time.. I think I communicate better with her. Oh, and I bought some Zoestra at the store the other day, and got home and the friggin' box was EMPTY!! Sheesh, I hate that. Now I have to find my receipt and go through the potential embarrassment of trying to convince the people at the service desk that I bought an empty box. Damn shoplifters.